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Caitlin BeiteL
SHE/HER AEA/SAG-AFTRA
she doesn't wear a proper jacket
doesn't feel the cold she says
her hands tucked tightly into the leather pockets
of her only defense
against this balmy twenty degree day
it breaks the wind she insists
with a practiced posturing i can't help
finding myself fond of
tickled by the primal absurdity of it all
i grab her inspite of it
say it makes me cold looking at her
but really i just wanted to
her smell still haunts me
caught on gusts of wind
stuck on the cuff of an arm that once held her
a ghost before her time
and it brings me back just for a moment
it's those moments...
liquid leisure
toxic intoxication
silence so loud
my brain juices sputter
bed, no
floor
trace the grain of wood
rug, my lifeline
toilet, my god
i poison myself to get closer to Him
my penance staring back at me
in sunset shades
mcdonalds can't take the fall for this one
no, this is my privileged pain
splattered unromantically
awfully intimate
catching my release
naked on the floor eating pork fried rice
from sheepshead bay three days before
after sex with a man she'd met
the night that rice was fresh
his smell still lingered
strangely accented by the pungent oily leftovers
leaving her somewhere between high and lonely
she eats but doesn't absorb
thoughts are more filling than these
hardened rice particles
sticking in her teeth
more consuming then anything
she could consume in this moment
endless hunger
for the next, big,
Dick was a friend I had in college
he had a beautifulll
heart
lying here in the dark
in the last moments of dawn
i’m reminded of him
my leftovers are gone
and i’m
leftover
oh dawn
i'm beginning to resent your crack
however sensual and enticing it may be
i'm up again with you
fueled by unrealized dreams
hoping to realize something
you seem to hold answers, promise
but you're gone so quick
even now the soft light
pales your illumination
it is too soothing
not like you dawn
you're deep, intoxicating, raw
revelations happen in you
the beating sun tests their strength
i lust for your seductive introspection
smoothly slipping off your strap
and oozing fleeting wisdom
i savor each sweet soulful morsel
til the sun reminds me to forget
i can see the life inside your eyes
the pain, the knowing
the paths and cirlces
the memories and mistakes
it's all etched there
in once blank whites
nebulas of experience
now embellish
i think i think too much
she says
she says all this inside her head
think too much?
no that's not true
we need to think to think things through
it's loud in there i cannot sleep
she tries and tries
too much to keep
these weathered thoughts
untethered so
like tether ball
around they go
rolling over in her bed
as rolling thoughts roll through unsaid
stop! she yells
like on the sign
again this all is in her mind
when does it end?
she think-exclaims
it's up to you
it is your brain
up to me? well that's a thought
to think that thought though is a lot
just too much for me
alright?
so thoughts i bid you
a goodnight!
the sun is smiling today
it annoys me
so happy burning in its flawless blue sky
out there fulfilling its grand purpose
while i struggle to get my laundry done
your warm, bright, sunny, sunshine
mocking my brooding moody mood
bleuchk!
today i need large nebulous clouds
full of rage and fury
to block out these pleasant rays
until i can be happy for them
new love
new life!
re-invigorating the soul
the world is beckoning
calling- blossoming!
the rest have a different love
worn but not faded
like the new pair of shoes
you couldn't wait to put on
now they're your favorite
but they're ripping at the seams...
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